Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Just a disclaimer. We are not doctors. We are not medical professionals. We are just two girls who have survived sepsis that are navigating their recovery.
[00:00:07] Speaker B: If there is anything that you are seriously struggling with, we urge you to contact a GP. And if you think that you might have sepsis, you should seek immediate medical care, as sepsis is life threatening and time critical.
[00:00:19] Speaker A: We just wanted to pop a little trigger warning in as well, that this podcast may contain content that listeners find distressing.
[00:00:26] Speaker B: Please listen with care, and always remember to be kind to yourselves where possible.
[00:00:31] Speaker A: Hi, guys, and welcome to episode one of the surviving and thriving podcast. My name is Taz. And I'm Olivia, and we're going to be your hosts for the foreseeable, hopefully. If you guys like this, I guess we should start off by saying why we started or wanted to start this podcast, because it's been a little while in the making.
I'll start off by yapping because that's what I like to do best.
I met got in contact with Olivia about a year ago on World Sepsis day, and honestly, the first time we messaged, it was a sigh of relief. I was so grateful to have someone in my life that understood what I was going through. And when I say I was going through it, at this point, I was going through it.
I was really struggling. And even though I can talk for England, talking about everything that I've been through to my friends and family, I really struggle with. So the first time I was speaking to Olivia, you should see the screenshots that I've got of our voice notes. It was pages and pages and pages long, and we literally just told each other every single thing. And it just felt incredible.
Recently, I've been wanting to do a podcast, but I was too scared to make the leap. So I text Olivia, and I was like, babe, do you want to do a podcast with me? And she was like, of course. And I was like, yay.
Which was super exciting. And then it's kind of just catapulted from there, really, and we're making up as we go, and we're just gonna see what happens.
[00:02:19] Speaker B: Yeah, I couldn't agree more. I think that when you have been through something so life altering, like, it sounds really. It doesn't sound nice, but your friends and family just don't understand the way that someone who has also gone through it will understand.
And to have people that you can connect with from the Internet is such a blessing because I don't really think there's a lot of support offered for people who have survived sepsis or intensive care stays. So to be able to have people online that you can speak to has been such a godsend, especially through my.
[00:02:57] Speaker A: Recovery free therapy, for sure. No, I'm joking.
That's literally how it feels. I'm having a bad day. I'm going to text Olivia.
[00:03:07] Speaker B: Literally, if ever I'm like, and if ever I come, like, to something, like, I hit a wall in my recovery, and I've, like, I'm experiencing something new that I've not felt or had before. I'm like, taz will know.
[00:03:20] Speaker A: I feel like it's. Yeah, I feel like it's so nice because I say nice. None of the situation that's happened is nice, but I think it's more helpful because we both fell ill at a similar time, but a couple of months different literally means. Yeah, it means that we're both going through it at a similar time, but obviously, I'm a few. I should probably introduce that to everyone. When I got ill was October 2022. And if I'm right, you were December 2022.
[00:03:52] Speaker B: Yeah, 4. December 2022. So literally a couple of months.
[00:03:56] Speaker A: Yeah. Which is.
[00:03:58] Speaker B: Our recoveries are like, obviously, no recovery is the same, but we're. We're like, it's not years apart.
[00:04:04] Speaker A: We're on the same.
And it's so helpful in terms of. I mean, we're gonna tell you about our stories soon, but you'll see that even though, like, the source of the infections were different for me and Olivia, our actual stories are so similar, it's actually spooky. And I remember when we were first messaging each other, when we were, like, reminding each other of what had gone on, and we were like, oh, my God, I completely forgot that happened. So it so nice to have someone that I can just absolutely vent to. I can tell Olivia anything that's going on in my recovery, in my life, and she's 100% there for me. So very blessed.
[00:04:44] Speaker B: And I feel the same way about you. It's been amazing to have somebody that I can just be like, hey, have you ever had this? Or are you feeling like this? Or have you, like, experienced this? It's so nice because, like I said, your loved ones will not understand the way that someone who has also survived will understand.
[00:05:04] Speaker A: Yeah, I think especially as you get further through your recovery, that. And it's not that they don't care as much, but obviously their lives are moving forward, and you're like, I'm still. I'm still in this boat in the middle of the ocean. And I have no idea what's going on.
[00:05:19] Speaker B: That is such an interesting. I'd love to, like, go into that and, like, have a whole conversation.
[00:05:24] Speaker A: We should do an episode on that because I.
[00:05:28] Speaker B: It's such a weird. And I don't know if this is, like, an ego thing and I can't really. Or whether it's just like, the survival instinct in you where you're like, has everyone just forgotten about what I've gone through? And it's like, what? Like, no, not that people don't care, but, like, that's your story and it's your trauma. You've been through it. Other people aren't going to be sitting thinking about, oh, God, Olivia went through that two years ago. How's she doing now? People move on and. But you're like, how can everyone move on when I can't move on? I'm still stuck in this place.
[00:06:04] Speaker A: Yeah, I spoke to someone recently about that, and she's just like, recently come out of hospital intensive care, and she was like, I feel like I'm watching my life on the tv in front of me and it's moving on, but I'm just sat here and I can't catch up. And I was, whoa, you should be a philosopher. Because that was. That is literally what happened.
But, yeah, it was absolutely crazy.
[00:06:30] Speaker B: Yeah, it's that, like, thing, isn't it, where you're just like, I'm still here and everyone's moving forward, and I'm just sat here and it is like watching your life. You're like, there's been times where I've literally felt, like that girl said, like, you're watching your life go on and you're, like, running after the train that's just going at, like, a million miles an hour and you just can't keep up.
Crazy.
[00:06:55] Speaker A: Yeah. And it's.
We'll definitely do an episode based around that because I think it's so interesting, but especially because mine and Olivia's support systems have been really different. So it's interesting in how our, like, the trajectory of our recovery has gone, like, in comparison to who we've had around us. And, you know, what with our jobs. And it's so interesting. So we'll put that one in the notes to add an episode on that.
[00:07:23] Speaker B: That's very interesting as well. There's so many interesting things.
[00:07:26] Speaker A: Yeah, add it in.
I think next we should talk about the fact about what sepsis is. I'm not going to go into it in massive detail because I think, again, we can probably do a whole episode on that. But it's important to say that sepsis is always caused from an infection, so you always have to have an infection first before it can develop into sepsis. I think it's massively kind of misnomed that you can catch sepsis on the street. You can. Because I remember a lot of people saying to me, oh, so is it contagious now? Like, when I just come out of hospital and I was like, no, it's not, I promise. But obviously, the infection that causes the sepsis, more often than not, can be contagious. So it's a bit of a tricky one in that sense, in that it's like rolling a bloody dice whether it turns into something worse or not, which is really weird.
Yeah. Very scary. And I think it's helpful for you guys to know that even though mine, Olivia's story is so similar in certain bits that are, infections were two completely different things that kind of wound up within the same realm, which is, again, scary how your body reacts. Yeah.
[00:08:49] Speaker B: And it is not known why some people develop sepsis in response to infections, whereas other people don't. So, like you said, we were really, really unwell. Anyone can have those infections, but whether your body turns that into sepsis.
[00:09:06] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:09:07] Speaker B: Is just luck of the draw, really.
[00:09:09] Speaker A: I know. I hate that word, luck. I remember my consultant saying to me, it's not if it is luck, I need some good karma soon.
[00:09:17] Speaker B: Please.
[00:09:19] Speaker A: I remember my consultant saying to me, oh, like, if it puts your mind at ease, it was just bad luck. I was like, I don't know if that puts my mind at ease or not, but thanks for sharing with the room. I really appreciate your thought. It's so weird.
Anyway, we digress. My sepsis journey. So the original infection that started my sepsis journey was strep a, which at the time, I don't know if you can remember Olivia, but at the time it was in the news a lot. There was quite a lot of kids that lost their life to the invasive strep a. The strain, the specific strain that I had. And I remember seeing it in the news, and I was weeks before, and I was like, to my mum, oh, my God, that is so awful. Imagine these kids going into school, catching this strepe, and then just so quickly losing their life. And it was just like off the tongue, off the whim comment. And then there I was in exactly the same situation. So, yeah, my infection was strep a. I'll pass over to you.
[00:10:23] Speaker B: Mine was pneumoniae, but it was asymptomatic pneumonia. So asymptomatic means I had no symptoms.
[00:10:33] Speaker A: That's really helpful.
[00:10:35] Speaker B: I know. Especially with something like pneumonia. People are really surprised by that because it's such an aggressive infection. Yeah, I had. And I mean, absolutely no symptoms, like, no chest pain, no cough, cold, no flu symptoms, like, you know, those, like, cold flu symptoms that you would expect to have with something like pneumonia. Nothing.
[00:10:57] Speaker A: That's wild to me.
[00:10:59] Speaker B: I know, but I think it. I say this a lot. I think it was because I was so healthy.
[00:11:05] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:11:06] Speaker B: Which is, like, such a. What's the word? Like.
[00:11:10] Speaker A: No, I know exactly what you mean.
[00:11:13] Speaker B: I ended up so unwell, but I think it was because my body was, like, the healthiest it has ever been. I don't know. I feel like.
[00:11:21] Speaker A: No, for sure.
[00:11:22] Speaker B: Maybe that was because, like you said about, like, things that your consultant said when I ended up in hospital, the consultant said to Callum, her level of fitness has saved her life. If she wasn't that fit, that's so weird.
[00:11:38] Speaker A: They said exactly the same thing to my parents.
[00:11:41] Speaker B: Isn't it crazy?
[00:11:42] Speaker A: And they were like, my dad, if you were in this bed right now, you wouldn't be here.
[00:11:49] Speaker B: I don't know if you noticed as well in intensive care, like, it seems to be. And I don't want to generalize, but what I saw in my time in intensive care was very much middle aged people.
[00:12:01] Speaker A: Oh, yeah.
[00:12:02] Speaker B: There wasn't. I think a lot of people think it's really old people, but it's very much like a middle aged group. And I was, like, the. By far the youngest person in there by, like, 30, 40 years. Yeah.
And. But, yeah, I think that it was just the level of fitness I was at at that time.
[00:12:24] Speaker A: Yeah. Defoe.
I think it's a weird one in the sense that when going through recovery, you almost have so much resentment towards your body and yourself in the fact that it, in inverted commas, put you through this. But also, we have to be so grateful for our body that it got us through that, because there's some people that obviously, unfortunately, don't survive, and we'll go into the statistics of that another day. But our bodies are so amazing, and the fact that they managed to get us through that, I honestly, when I look at myself and I, like, put on an outfit and I'm like. I'm like, actually, this body you're saying, ooh, to just saved your life, so don't.
[00:13:14] Speaker B: Yeah, I. It's such a, like, difficult thing to. The mixture of both, because, like, if you go through something like that. And, like, it's completely. I don't care what anyone says, completely life changing.
[00:13:30] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:13:31] Speaker B: And, like, overnight, like, your life completely changed overnight. And I think some people look at people who've survived and think, well, how's that changed your life? Like, you look exactly the same as you did before. You act exactly the same before, but your whole brain chemistry's been altered.
[00:13:45] Speaker A: Oh, yeah.
[00:13:48] Speaker B: Your survival instincts are different and you can see the world differently. And you, like you said about your body, like, I remember, so because I was at, like, my peak level of fitness before I went into the hospital, I, like, woke up in hospital and it was honestly like someone had taken my body, like, plucked out, put someone else's body. And I remember looking at my legs. I have this. If I shut my eyes, it's just like it was happening now, but I remember looking down at my legs and I was like, what's happened to my legs? They're not my legs because they looked completely different. And, yeah, I. I get the same thing now. Like, if I'm ever, like, not unkind to my body, but if I'm ever, like you said, like, oh, I look. I don't look very good in that. Or like, you just think, wow, like, really? Like, you just feel, like, awful talking badly about your body when you think, God kept me alive. And the amount it goes through during a hospital stay, like, the amount of interventions and needles in your arms and everything, like, you just think, oh, it's like you don't realize how much resilience you have.
[00:14:59] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:15:00] Speaker B: Because it's all in the mind at that point, isn't it?
[00:15:03] Speaker A: 100%.
[00:15:04] Speaker B: And you get the let. Like, I don't know about you, but that the blood tests, like, every two. Every, like, two times a day, right. And they come around ready, and you're like, no, like, I physically don't think I can do it again. Like, I just don't think. But then. But you do because you have to.
[00:15:20] Speaker A: Yeah. And, like, the blood thinning injections you have, I'm assuming you have, so. No.
[00:15:28] Speaker B: Are you kidding me, babe? I was.
[00:15:30] Speaker A: Close my eyes, I was like, just do it. I got used to them.
[00:15:33] Speaker B: I was like, pass it here, let me be in control of this. Because it was like, you know, when they come around and, you know, it's that time, it's like 06:00 at night. Mine.
[00:15:41] Speaker A: Where?
[00:15:41] Speaker B: Yeah, you ready? And they'd be like, put it in that, like, fat piece of your stomach. You know, they get the right, like, lower part of your stomach. Jab right in. And I'd be like. They said, oh, you can do these if you want. And I thought, I think that was just like a control thing.
[00:15:54] Speaker A: No, I love that.
[00:15:56] Speaker B: But the minute they said, you can do it, I was like, yeah, I'll do it.
[00:15:59] Speaker A: Yeah, I will. Oh, my God, that is so good. No, I honestly, I.
Sometimes we always say this to each other. My memory of my time in ICU is so hazy when you say stuff like that, I'm like, oh, my God, it's so clear in my brain. But obviously, it's a fight or flight with your brain, isn't it? And I've spoken about this so many times in therapy, and that it's your brain is just trying to protect you. And I get frustrated sometimes that I don't remember every single detail, but it's just your brain trying to protect you. But sometimes I'm like, oh, I wish I remember things like that.
[00:16:39] Speaker B: And you think it's just your brain because obviously, like, there's a lot of post sepsis. So one of, like, a few of the symptoms of post sepsis syndrome are, like, cognitive dysfunctions and things, right?
[00:16:53] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:16:53] Speaker B: So I think in my brain, I'm like, oh, for God's sake. Like, I can't remember that because I've had. I've had sepsis. And it's not like you said, it's your brain.
[00:17:00] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:17:00] Speaker B: To protect you from that trauma. It's not the fact that you can't remember it. It's that your brains, like, put it away and is like, yeah, protect her by, like, not remembering everything.
[00:17:11] Speaker A: Yeah. And again, I think for context, people listening, me and Olivia were speaking just before we started the podcast. We had to have a nice little yap and a catch up. And we were speaking about how both of us have a very strong mindset in that we're always kind of wanting to achieve more. And we're not harsh or not. Well, I actually, I am harsh on myself quite a lot of the time about wanting to achieve more and pushing for better and achieving more. But during recovery, it's such a weird dynamic of, like, you have to have that mentality to improve, but you also have to have the mentality of being kind to yourself and accepting what's happened. And it's such a weird push and pull that I don't think that I'll ever get right. But I know for sure that that messed me up during recovery, that I just could not get that balance of, like, thank you, body, but also, come on up now, because we need to get through this. Yeah, baby.
[00:18:04] Speaker B: I can feel like that now. And I always feel like, how long will that go on? Do you think that would be, like, forever?
[00:18:14] Speaker A: I don't know.
[00:18:15] Speaker B: Because I don't like to think, oh, my God, forever. Such a long time.
[00:18:20] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:18:21] Speaker B: But I do think that, like, that is not something that, like, goes away, but something that you just learn to live with and you find that balance of. Right. I know. Now I'm tired. I can feel that my hips are sore or something. I need to slow down and take it easy. Whereas before, I didn't really get that because I'd never been unwell.
[00:18:44] Speaker A: Yeah, me neither had that.
[00:18:45] Speaker B: I never had that. What's the word? It's almost like a mirror, isn't it, where your body's. And you learn the lesson of, like, you're not invincible, actually. Like, yeah, this can happen. It can happen to anyone. It happened to you when you were that healthy. So don't think that you're, like, invincible.
[00:19:02] Speaker A: Invincible, yeah.
[00:19:04] Speaker B: Crazy, isn't it?
[00:19:05] Speaker A: Yeah. And I remember my therapist said to me, and I. I do believe this, but sometimes I'm like, can this. Can I put this on fast forward because it's long, but I think it'll always be with us. And. But it's like if you had a really heavy rucksack and you put it on for the first time and you're like, whoa, I cannot. I can't even take a step in this thing. And why is this f cking backpack on my back? I don't want to have it here. But as time goes on, you start to take things out that rucksack that you actually don't need. You don't need that really heavy thing. So you put it down and you still remember it. You remember that you took it out, but you just put it down and you don't need that anymore. Till eventually you still know. You can still feel the straps of your backpack, but there's. It's really light now. So I'm hoping that that's going to be us, and we're going to be chilling with our trauma backpacks, like, and they'll be really.
[00:19:56] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:19:57] Speaker A: Yeah, that's. That's what I'm hoping for. We're back. Do you want to start us off and carry on?
[00:20:02] Speaker B: Um, yeah. I was just going to talk about, um. There are, um, some artworks made by. You've seen them, I think, on instagram. Right? You know the girl who does.
[00:20:13] Speaker A: Yes, yes, yes.
[00:20:14] Speaker B: Absolutely love those. They felt so relatable to me, I don't know how you feel about that. Yeah, I know. When she was like, all of the things that you go through, like cognitive, like emotionally and mentally, like, all of the things that you go through when you've had sepsis.
[00:20:30] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:20:31] Speaker B: And I thought they were so nice because, you know, you know what her.
[00:20:35] Speaker A: Username is, so we can give her a little.
[00:20:37] Speaker B: Her username. I'm just looking. Is costendo cute?
[00:20:43] Speaker A: I think I messaged. I think I messaged her.
[00:20:47] Speaker B: Her artwork is amazing. She doesn't really post so much anymore, but the ones that she made, I loved, because I really. I really felt that, you know, when.
[00:21:00] Speaker A: We will share them on our story on the Instagram.
[00:21:03] Speaker B: Yes. We'll share them so people can see, because I remember seeing them and thinking, oh, my God, finally somebody has written down how I feel.
I love seeing people writing how I feel about something. Because then you feel so much less alone, right?
[00:21:16] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:21:17] Speaker B: Physical symptoms, cognitive symptoms, emotional symptoms.
So I thought we could just quickly talk about some of the physical symptoms.
[00:21:26] Speaker A: Yeah, let's do it.
[00:21:27] Speaker B: Fatigue brother.
[00:21:32] Speaker A: I can't even speak to you about this one. I remember, and sometimes it's weird now when I feel really tired. For context, I've been doing a dance intensive for the past three days, and we'll go more into detail in what our lives are like in the next episode when we talk about our stories.
But last night, I felt absolutely shattered. And the fear being tired installs into me now when I feel a tiny bit like I did when I was fatigued after being ill is insane.
It's insane. And I can't explain the feeling of being 21 years old and needing to lie down after walking up the stairs.
[00:22:18] Speaker B: I know.
[00:22:19] Speaker A: What is that about? That is the most humbling experience I've ever gone through.
[00:22:23] Speaker B: I have never, ever been a, like, I want to go and lay in bed at 01:00 in the afternoon. 02:00 in the afternoon. And now I'm like, but I can quite comfortably be that. I want to go and lay down. I need to go lay down.
[00:22:34] Speaker A: I need to lay down.
[00:22:35] Speaker B: Two years, and I'm like, I need to go and lay down now because it's. I'm done. Yeah, the fatigue is a joke. I don't think it goes away. You know, I don't think that fatigue goes really.
[00:22:47] Speaker A: No. And the only thing I think changes is the guilt that comes attached to the fatigue. Like, when you first come up hospital as much. I actually felt guilty when I first came out of hospital. You know, I remember being like, going out to a garden center with my family around Christmas time. Obviously, I came out of hospital beginning of November. So we went to garden centers, like, beginning of December, and we were walking around, must have been 15 minutes. And I take out the equation, my hip, which obviously made things a lot worse. But I was like, to my mum, I need to sit. Actually, I need to lay down. Obviously, you can't lay down in the garden center without drawing attention, but I was so frustrated in the fact that I was looking on my instagram, and I will go into this about comparison, but people my age off traveling in Thailand and jumping off cliffs, and I was like, I can't walk around the garden center with my parents for ten minutes without being fatigued. What is going on?
[00:23:48] Speaker B: It's so humbling. Right. Maybe we should just brief on our hips as well, because I think a lot of people will be like, what do you mean, your hips? Because, do you know what? I've found this a lot as well. When I tell people, if people ask and I'm comfortable to share, I always find the hip thing the weirdest thing, because people don't really get that. Like, people are like, what do you mean?
[00:24:06] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah.
[00:24:08] Speaker B: Do you want to just explain about your hips? Yeah.
[00:24:12] Speaker A: Hip queen. Shakira. Shakira.
So just to preface that, we have hips.
[00:24:19] Speaker B: 80 year olds.
[00:24:20] Speaker A: Yeah, we have the. We're in our twenties, and we have the hips of retired eight year olds on Zimmer frames, which is super helpful for me as a professional dancer. It's really cute. So often when people have sepsis, the infection likes to manifest itself somewhere in the body. I think we should start off by saying that usually it finds weak spots, right? Yeah, usually, I'm told, it finds a weak spot in the body.
[00:24:47] Speaker B: Vulnerable spots. Yeah.
[00:24:48] Speaker A: So when. We will go into this a lot deeper when we do our stories in the next episode. But I, as a dancer, was doing an audition, basically, and the doctors never found out why I got sepsis or why it went into my hip, but they think it's because I had a small tear in my hip flexor. That was just the weakest point in my body at the time. So the infection was like, zoop, I'm gonna go chill there.
[00:25:18] Speaker B: And it just breathes. Right?
[00:25:19] Speaker A: Which it breeds, it eats the joint. It does all the fun stuff. That is just absolutely awful. Which then is diagnosed, written down, kind of spoken about as septic arthritis.
[00:25:34] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:25:35] Speaker A: So really, as a whole blanket, me and Olivia both suffered with septic arthritis, which is absolutely awful. But it leaves you with long term inflammation like joints being worn down, excruciating. Which is why we're limp. Yeah, limp. The limp properly. No, which, when we're talking about our hips, is the physical kind of aftermath of sepsis for me, apart from all the obvious, you know, being out of breath, fatigue, my hip, for me, was the biggest kind of hurdle of recovery. I don't know how you feel.
[00:26:18] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, I think that. Yeah, same. I think that it's a very weird one because I think that when you speak to people, when they ask and you try to explain that, like you said, sepsis finds this, like, weak part of your body, then we'll just, like, basically manifest there and grows there.
I don't even get it. So I don't really. Because I'm obviously not a medical professional, so I don't really get it. So I'm talking to other people and they don't really get it.
[00:26:47] Speaker A: I'm like, me too, boo. We're in the same boat.
[00:26:51] Speaker B: But, like, I don't know if. How you feel about this, but I. I look, I think now, and I'm like, in one, like, half, I'm like. I have experienced the most amount of physical pain I will experience, I think, in my life.
[00:27:12] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:27:14] Speaker B: I genuinely don't believe. And I've. I've. With the videos I've shared on TikTok and everything, I've had mums comment, like, I've had sepsis and I've given birth, and this sepsis was worse than the pain of giving birth.
[00:27:27] Speaker A: Well, that's one thing.
[00:27:29] Speaker B: The pain is unimaginable. Like, honest.
[00:27:34] Speaker A: I'm actually getting goosebumps right now just thinking about the pain. I can't explain to anyone the initial pain. I mean, the pain after is awful, but the initial pain.
[00:27:46] Speaker B: The initial pain.
Oh, my God. And that's what I think. Like, sometimes I'm like, so childbirth and everything must be a walk. Will be a walk in a park for people like us, hopefully. Let's, like, pray that nothing.
[00:27:58] Speaker A: Let's hope and pray.
[00:27:59] Speaker B: Let's pray that nothing. I mean. I mean, let's. I'm just talking about the pain of giving birth. Hopefully nothing.
Obviously, things can go wrong there. It's like a massive thing. But, I mean, just the pain. I always think, well, at least I've experienced the worst amount of pain in my life I'm ever gonna feel because it was genuinely excruciating.
[00:28:19] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:28:20] Speaker B: Yeah. I've never felt anything like it in my life. Don't think I'll ever. I ever will.
[00:28:23] Speaker A: No, I.
It's honestly hard to put into words the amount of pain.
No. And I.
Part of me thinks that's why the trauma for both of us is so.
I don't know our response to traumas, I would say. I don't speak for you, but it's very physical. Like, lots of things for us, the physical things remind us of because it was so painful.
[00:28:53] Speaker B: Yeah. And I do know what. It's so funny that you say that, because I said to him, callum the other day, because now I'll get, like, my hips are sore because I had it in both hips.
[00:29:02] Speaker A: Did you know, just in my right.
[00:29:05] Speaker B: So I didn't. Both. But my right was what. How weird is that, that we've, like. It's the same.
[00:29:11] Speaker A: It's so weird.
[00:29:13] Speaker B: My right was what? It was in both hips. My right was worse than my left.
[00:29:17] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:29:18] Speaker B: But now they both, like, are obviously damaged. They both hurt.
[00:29:22] Speaker A: Mm hmm.
[00:29:23] Speaker B: And I said to Callum, like, if I'm having a bad day, or, like, say I'm, like, struggling mentally and everything, because it's a lot to cope with every day. Right.
[00:29:32] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:29:33] Speaker B: If my hip hurts, I'm like, so not only do we have this, like, mental trauma where we struggle with everything that we've gone through, but for me, the pain is like a constant reminder. Like, you can't move on from this. Like, you're always going to be in this pain, like, and if you think that you're getting better, this pain's just going to show you that it's not going away.
[00:30:01] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:30:01] Speaker B: I don't like to sound negative.
[00:30:02] Speaker A: No. Do you know what? And it's so weird that you say that, but I. 1,000,010% agree with you. And I think for me, especially because of what I do, in the fact that they told me that I would never dance again, and I was like, you just watch me. I'm going to do it. But now if I'm dancing and it starts to flare up, and when I say flare up, it's so disheartening when a flare up happens for me, because you can go. At this point in my recovery, it's more recently that I have spells where it's a lot better, but when I have a flare up, that is the last couple of days for me, it just absolute, absolutely sends me into a spiral again. I.
[00:30:52] Speaker B: You.
[00:30:52] Speaker A: It's so strange how you can feel so strong and then one physical twinge that, before I was ill. A twinge in my hip. Ah, girl. I'm not even thinking about it, it's.
[00:31:05] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:31:05] Speaker A: Now spiral.
[00:31:07] Speaker B: I think it's this health anxiety of, like, I don't know about you, but I think. I don't know. It's.
I don't know. I've not really, like, explored this because I've not. I had a little bit of EMdR light therapy when I came out of hospital, but I've not been to a therapist. But I think that from what I've tried to, like, analyze in myself is that if I get a pain or I'm not well, because I thought I was going to die. And I kept saying. I kept thinking and saying, like, I'm going to die.
That when I'm now unwell, I'm like, I'm going to die.
[00:31:42] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:31:43] Speaker B: Like, I'm not well. I'm going to die. So if my. If my hip hurts, I'm then like, oh, my God, is this the start of it?
[00:31:50] Speaker A: This is so weird. You say this in such weird timing because the past few days. So I feel like this is so hard that we haven't explained our stories yet, but I had septic arthritis in my right hip and my left shoulder. I say shoulder. Sternovacular joint. So your collarbone, basically. And the last couple of days. Not last night. The night before, I got about 3 hours sleep because I had a flare up in my shoulder. And yesterday I was in a constant state of fight or flight the whole day. And it was so infuriating to me because I was like, you've come so far, and this.
This, like, pain, which usually you don't even think about is sending you full flashback panic attack anxiety. Yesterday I had. And it was just absolutely insane. And I don't know. It's so weird.
[00:32:48] Speaker B: I think. I think it's. It's that. Is that, like. It sounds really negative when you say it, but it's that, like, not saying you're never gonna move on, but it's.
[00:32:59] Speaker A: That, like, is this the best it gets? Yeah. Is this the best it gets?
[00:33:03] Speaker B: Because I always get laid. If I ever get upset and I'm, like, crying or something, I'm like, I just think I can never move on. Like, I can't. Like, this pain is a constant reminder to me. It's not. It's of that one feeling of pain in my hip is just a trigger for everything that I went through. And it brings me back to being laying a and E in MRI, like, being lay in intensive care alone, because I don't know about you as well. I was thinking about this yesterday about, like, intensive care and how incredible into the people intensive care are. They deserve all the money in the world, all the way. Amazing people in the whole world. And. But I always think about, I don't know how you feel like being an adult now and being in hospital and then being left in hospital because you're an adulthood, so you're, you're an adult, so you don't need a guardian with you. And you're like, what? And I don't think many people can comprehend being lay in intensive care alone.
[00:34:10] Speaker A: That shook me sideways.
[00:34:12] Speaker B: No one with you?
[00:34:13] Speaker A: Like, no one.
[00:34:14] Speaker B: And I don't know about your intensive care.
Portsmouth intensive care unit, you're allowed two visitors twice a day. So it's either ten till twelve or twelve till two, four till six, six till eight.
[00:34:30] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:34:31] Speaker B: So you're allowed two visitors at either ten till twelve or they can come at twelve till two. You can't, you can't go. It can't come at ten, leave at eleven, come back at one and leave at two. It's them time frames. You stay for 2 hours, for 2 hours of the day. Right. So I'd be like, Callum would. Callum would come at ten and leave at twelve and then from twelve till six because I wanted him to stay as late as he could. So, yeah, I'm doing till six, but please can you do six till eight?
[00:35:00] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:35:00] Speaker B: So for 6 hours, you're alone essentially all day.
[00:35:03] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:35:05] Speaker B: Which I think during a time where you're. And I understand why they do it. It's very technical up there, isn't it? There's a lot going on. Curtains are open, there's no doors in intensive care.
So I 100% understand why they do that. But when you're that level of unwell and you need your support and you need people to physically just get you through that day.
[00:35:27] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:35:28] Speaker B: It's crazy to me because then, like you said, you're, when you're an adult and you're left in hospital, you're like, um, where's my guardian? Like, where's my, where's my mum?
[00:35:39] Speaker A: Where's my mom and my dad? Yeah.
[00:35:42] Speaker B: After me here. But it's actually like, no, you're an adult.
[00:35:44] Speaker A: Yeah, you're, you're, yeah. And it's big up, junior. Big up. The junior in Oxford, their critical care team, their intensive care team were absolutely incredible. And I still talk about, yeah, we will. I still send them cards and I still. One of my intensive care nurses that she, like, took up extra shifts just to be with me, she was. I'm still friends. She's just.
[00:36:08] Speaker B: They're just the most divine people on earth, aren't they?
[00:36:10] Speaker A: Yeah. I don't know what we do to deserve them, but the junior. This is true. The junior you can have from after rounds are over. So after the consultants round, you're allowed visitors until 08:00 p.m. so my parents would be of me. Yeah.
So basically.
[00:36:33] Speaker B: So I remember crying at, like, 02:00 in the afternoon.
[00:36:37] Speaker A: Yeah. I. When they had to leave at eight every night, I remember I'd get myself in such a state and obviously because I couldn't bloody breathe, I was like, like, joking, leave.
[00:36:48] Speaker B: I was hysterical. And I'd be like, you can't leave me. I know that's that fear of, like.
[00:36:53] Speaker A: But also, we'll talk about this, another episode with, well, guys, just to put it out there, we're discovering as we're going. So I know this has just been a ramble, but I. I promise we'll get more structure in the next couple of episodes. But the trauma that I actually think that I put my parents through for me, that's who is visiting me. I don't know about you and Callum. I think that. Imagine that the person that you love being like, please don't leave me, but you have to go.
[00:37:20] Speaker B: Have to leave. And he used to. It's not funny. It's not funny one bit. But I used to say to him, I'll look away. Can you just go?
[00:37:30] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:37:30] Speaker B: I just don't say bye because I just was like. And I honestly used to say, like, if I just look that way, can you just leave? Because don't say bye, just go. Because I physically can't like that feeling. It's like abandonment. Right. Oh, it's me. You'll never. And at the end of the day, the people, the staff in intensive care, like, could not give enough praise to, but they have a job to do. They can't sit by your side.
[00:37:55] Speaker A: We can't cuddle you.
[00:37:57] Speaker B: Even though.
[00:37:58] Speaker A: Big up, Barbara. She did cuddle me quite a few times. She sat in bed, cuddled me. We love you, Barbara.
[00:38:03] Speaker B: Yeah, but they can't. They've got a job to do.
[00:38:06] Speaker A: Yeah, exactly.
[00:38:07] Speaker B: They can't. They can't sit with you all the time. Right. And, um. But, yeah, it's honestly like an experience.
[00:38:18] Speaker A: Yeah. And I remember, I don't think people fathom, like, I don't think you can. And that's. That's not even like us being condescending, being like, you don't know until you've done it. It's not that, it's that you can't. You just cannot understand until you've been in that situation.
[00:38:35] Speaker B: No, you can't. And I think that Callum said, like, when Callum come up to intensive care, he was like, shook. He was like, oh, my God, like, yeah, because I don't know about you, like, we all know a hospital is a hospital, right? We all know that people go there when they're not. Wow. There's lots of, like, wards and everything. People I can hand in my heart say I never, ever once considered intensive care and people in intensive care, but you don't, you don't think about it, right? So when Callum come up to intensive care, because hopefully, for the majority of people in their lives, they'll never go to intensive care.
[00:39:14] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:39:14] Speaker B: And they will never have to visit anyone in intensive care because intensive care, there's a cry. People don't realize there's a criteria you have to meet to be admitted to intensive care. It's the sickest people in the hospital. Right?
[00:39:27] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:39:27] Speaker B: So Callum was like, oh, my God, it looks like God's waiting room.
[00:39:33] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:39:34] Speaker B: Because it does so for them as well. How traumatic.
[00:39:37] Speaker A: Yeah. How traumatic to, like, visit.
[00:39:41] Speaker B: Not only visit someone who's that level of unwell.
[00:39:44] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:39:44] Speaker B: Like a loved one that's that unwell, but also seeing all of it because you, like, you know, right. There's no doors, everything's open in intensity.
[00:39:52] Speaker A: You're open to the world. Yeah. Yeah. It has to be.
[00:39:55] Speaker B: It has to be because obviously their people are so unwell, but you just don't think, right, that how traumatic for them. Because I remember my sister saying, because I was in.
We have an east wing and a west wing.
[00:40:09] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:40:10] Speaker B: She said when you walked along. Because I was right at the end and she was like, I just kept my head down because she was like, I didn't want to look at anyone, obviously, for their dignity and respect for them, but like, she was like, it's the noises and everything, the smells, like the.
It's so frantic. It's just not normal, is it? It's not normal thing for anyone to, like. For the human brain to process that, not only your trauma, but seeing everyone else's.
[00:40:36] Speaker A: Yeah. Literally. It's so true. I remember my cousin and her boyfriend came to visit me towards like, the end of me being intensive care, when I was more conscious and kind of more myself, I should say.
And I remember he didn't tell me at the time, but he told me after I came out, he was like, there was about three times I thought I was going to pass out because he was like, it was just so much. And I was like, it's so weird how in your most vulnerable time youre and you need to be in intensive care. I'm not saying that they can change anything about intensive care. It has to be the way it is. But in your most vulnerable time, you're exposed to the most traumatic place.
[00:41:17] Speaker B: And things that you see that, like, now, are, like. And the things you hear. Oh, my God, the things I heard.
[00:41:26] Speaker A: Like, we'll do this in another episode because there is some funny things and some not funny things, but it is.
[00:41:33] Speaker B: I don't want to obviously, like, share about someone else's experience, but I'll never forget the man next to me.
Like, just the things that everyone goes through. Because you're on so many drugs, so you're hallucinating, you're seeing things, feel like your life's in danger, your loved ones aren't there to reassure you that you're going to be okay. So, like, it's just really scary.
[00:41:58] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:42:00] Speaker B: People think about that.
[00:42:01] Speaker A: No, no.
[00:42:03] Speaker B: I don't think this conversation has come from us talking about fatigue.
[00:42:06] Speaker A: Oh, my God. What is wrong with us? How do we do this?
[00:42:10] Speaker B: You know what I really want to talk about, like, a lot of the girlies and men will relate to hair loss.
[00:42:18] Speaker A: We need to do a whole episode on that because you're, first of all, just so you know, Olivia's the hair care queen.
[00:42:24] Speaker B: She nose my hair care journey stemmed from losing hair.
[00:42:30] Speaker A: Yeah.
We need to go about.
[00:42:33] Speaker B: Did you lose eyebrow hair, babe?
[00:42:36] Speaker A: I've hardly got any.
I can't. I don't know specifically.
[00:42:42] Speaker B: Right. I lost some eyebrow hair. Right. Which is weird, but, like, I remember, like, sort of like, you know, when you. I don't know, sometimes I think all my. They hurt a little bit and then you can, like, pull them in the lashes cup. Yeah. Has come out. Right. And I said to callum the other day about maybe, like, getting the microbladed or something because the hair's gone, won't grow back. Like, really bold. I've got, like, bold patches in them.
[00:43:04] Speaker A: I actually don't know if I had that, really.
[00:43:06] Speaker B: The hair care journey come from.
[00:43:09] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:43:11] Speaker B: And my hair was so damaged from intensive care. I don't know about you.
[00:43:14] Speaker A: Yeah, it was a whole journey. We have got so many episodes now from this one episode of us Waffling. I think that we should have a little roundup and say goodbye to our friends and then we are going to be back very soon with the plan is. Surprise, surprise. Tasman. Olivia went on a yapping tangent because, guys, we have been. We haven't been able to speak like this.
[00:43:46] Speaker B: No, it's been so good. So I think that we also decided that our stories deserved time and their own space, and we need to, like, really take the time to discuss them. And they deserve that.
[00:44:08] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:44:08] Speaker B: Right.
[00:44:09] Speaker A: So we might. We'll have a little think about it, but we might even do one episode per story. And then we have a load of ideas to bring to you guys. I'm hoping that I can get this episode edited and out first, and then you guys will see more episodes coming really soon. We're gonna also try and do a world septa stay special episode. Guys.
[00:44:38] Speaker B: We need to think about that.
[00:44:39] Speaker A: Yeah, we do.
But until then, we just wanted to say thank you so much for listening and we appreciate you all. And if you are someone that has started their sepsis recovery or this is the first kind of step in your recovery, we just want to say that we love you and everything's going to be okay. And we hope that this can be your safe space to.
[00:45:08] Speaker B: For everyone.
[00:45:09] Speaker A: Yeah. Because we always say that we wish we had this when we were recovering. So we hope so nice to have this.
[00:45:16] Speaker B: Right.
[00:45:16] Speaker A: Yeah. This. We hope that this can be that for you.
[00:45:21] Speaker B: But yeah.
[00:45:22] Speaker A: Yeah. That is episode one of the surviving and thriving podcast recorded. So exciting.
Yeah. We hope you guys have a lovely day, and we will catch you in the next one.
[00:45:35] Speaker B: Thank you. Bye.
