How is life moving on and I'm stuck in the same place?!

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Just a disclaimer. We are not doctors. We are not medical professionals. We are just two girls who have survived sepsis that are navigating their recovery. [00:00:07] Speaker B: If there is anything that you are seriously struggling with, we urge you to contact a GP. And if you think that you might have sepsis, you should seek immediate medical care, as sepsis is life threatening and time critical. [00:00:19] Speaker A: We just wanted to pop a little trigger warning in as well, that this podcast may contain content that listeners find distressing. [00:00:26] Speaker B: Please listen with care, and always remember to be kind to yourselves where possible. [00:00:30] Speaker A: Hi, guys, and welcome back to episode four of the surviving and thriving podcast. I'm your host, Taz. [00:00:37] Speaker B: And I am Olivia. And today we are going to be unpacking the thought of how is life moving on? And I am stuck in the same place, which I think this is going to be a good one. [00:00:49] Speaker A: Yeah, I'm excited for this one. It's a. It's a very big topic we're gonna delve in. [00:00:56] Speaker B: How has your week been? [00:00:57] Speaker A: Yeah, pretty good, actually. I feel like this last week has absolutely flown past. [00:01:02] Speaker B: Right. How quick is the time going? [00:01:04] Speaker A: I know it seems crazy. And the fact that I'm coming up to in a week, it will be two years since I was in hospital. [00:01:13] Speaker B: That's really in a week. [00:01:16] Speaker A: In a week? Well, yeah, on the 16th, technically. So just overall, your alive day. My alive day? I know. I never heard of that until you told me about it. [00:01:26] Speaker B: Yeah, we're gonna do. If you want to, we're gonna do a special episode for that. [00:01:30] Speaker A: Yeah, that'll be fun. [00:01:31] Speaker B: Gonna celebrate your alive day. Oh, yeah. Today we are gonna be unpacking. The life is moving on, and I'm stuck in the same place, which I feel like if you are not in recovery or have not recovered, you might think, what. What on earth are they talking about? I get that completely, and I'm sure you do, too. We've spoke about this a lot. So obviously, with sepsis comes post sepsis syndrome, which is basically the aftermath of having suffered sepsis. So some of the symptoms include post traumatic stress disorder, changes in your mood, anxiety, depression. So I thought we could just jump straight in and maybe talk about things that we've struggled with. I will go first and say that when I came out of hospital, I felt like I had a huge identity crisis. I had no idea what I wanted anymore. I had no idea what I wanted to dress like. I had no idea what I wanted to look like. I cut my hair off, and I was actually listening to Louise Thompson, the other day, who, if anyone's, following her story, she went through a traumatic birth and she had really awful spell of depression. And she said that she'd heard from somewhere that you're not meant to make big life changes after a traumatic event. Like, there's a time period that you're not meant to, obviously, make decisions because they're not rational. And I was listening, like, with my short hair that I cut off partially for the fact that it was damaged, but partially because I just was craving, like, finding myself. It's really weird. Like, I. And I don't know why I thought cutting my hair was going to do that, but two months later, I was like, I need to cut all my hair off. I'm going to cut it short and start again. So. [00:03:26] Speaker A: Yeah, that's so interesting. And I guess, really, to start by saying that when you come out of hospital, you know, after any traumatic illness or anything, but obviously, in our case with sepsis, it's that there's this really weird equilibrium, shall you say, of the fact that you feel euphoric because you've just survived and you've got out of hospital and you feel like you should just slot straight back into where you left off. But also there's this really daunting feeling of, like, there's so much ahead of me that I need to do to get back to where I was. And almost like, it feels like you're. You're in this race, you've just been plopped on the start line of a hundred meter sprint and it's like, go. And you're like, what the hell am I meant to do? [00:04:18] Speaker B: Yeah. I've always described it when, like, chatting to people, as in, like, the train is going and I'm running after the train and the train's just going too fast, my legs can't keep up. [00:04:30] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:04:31] Speaker B: And I really struggled with, like, just remembering who I was before that and now, like, having it, like you said, nearly been two years. I definitely feel like that's got easier because I have obviously good and bad days, but my good days, I feel more like myself than ever. [00:04:49] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:04:50] Speaker B: And I really feel like, you know, that your perspective on life changes completely and things become a lot more trivial one when you've nearly died. And I think that you can, like, see things from a different point of view, but no one could have prepared me for the, like, loss of identity and feeling like I have no idea who I am, like, I've lost so much of myself. And then I think it all adds up because then, because you're physically injured as well as mentally injured. You then can't do things, like you said, like dancing, that brought you so much joy. And mine was at the time, Jim, so I couldn't go to the gym because I wasn't able to. So that one outlet that you've got that, you know, would help you and make you feel so much better, you can't even do that. [00:05:36] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think that in terms of making big decisions that you spoke about a minute ago, I think the reason that people that go through trauma crave doing that is because it gives a, it gives you a purpose. It's not just, oh, I almost died, and now I'm recovering. It's like, oh, today I got my hair done, and it's something else to talk about, and it's something else to focus your energy on. And there were so many moments that I did that, and I'd make these, and I was like, I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna jump out of a plane. And I. So many times I was, like, trying to, dunno, just find a purpose somewhere, because I felt so lost in my, like, normal life, should I say, quote unquote. But I felt like I was just constantly striving to do this next amazing thing or this next big thing, because it gave me something else to talk about. [00:06:30] Speaker B: Yeah. It's so interesting that you say that, because I, like, when I look back, I do. It's really hard because I don't beat myself up about it. But if I could go back and, like, redo the whole thing of my recovery, like, it makes me quite sad to think about it, because I didn't have a great support system like that. I had to change, obviously, but that's a completely different subject. But just the being, knowing what I know now, which I didn't know then, so I couldn't have done things differently. Yeah. [00:07:07] Speaker A: And hindsight's like, everything. Hindsight, you know, I mean, like, you can't live your life looking in the room, but at the same time, I understand what you mean completely. [00:07:15] Speaker B: And, like, like, I think of, like, my recovering self, and I think I say I feel, like, a lot of pain for her, and I feel a lot of, like, I wish I could just have rewritten that and done that differently, because, like you said, it's really interesting that you said that about, they're like, you're trying to. You're craving something, and it's something to focus your energy and time on, rather than just address the issues that you've got. Yeah. So I came out of hospital, went back to work about three months later. And I know you went back to work really quick, but even three months recovering is crazy. And I wasn't doing, like, for I doing literally 3 hours a day and it was just my little slice of normality. Normality? [00:07:55] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:07:56] Speaker B: Having a bit of structure in my day where I wasn't just because I was getting up right, what's on tv today? Sat in front of the tv for 8 hours. Callum would come back and then I'd be sort of be like, are we going out? Because I. I can't go out on my own. Like, is there any. And he's tired from work and he's like, yeah, you know, and it's that, like, my day was okay. [00:08:16] Speaker A: What. [00:08:17] Speaker B: What series am I watching today then? [00:08:19] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:08:19] Speaker B: So, like, when I could, like, sort of get little bits of my life back, I was jumping at the chance and then I went and did British Airways. [00:08:27] Speaker A: That honestly baffles, like, I don't know how you did that. [00:08:33] Speaker B: What do you mean? [00:08:34] Speaker A: I don't know how you, like, going back to work is one thing, but going into a new job and training in the way that you have to train to become an air hostess, like, the fact that you just dove in and did that is pretty incredible. [00:08:49] Speaker B: Do you think? [00:08:50] Speaker A: Yes. [00:08:51] Speaker B: Really? I just didn't like. Do you know what I think? [00:08:54] Speaker A: How long was that after you came out of hospital? [00:08:57] Speaker B: My training started in July, so it was like seven months. [00:09:00] Speaker A: Okay. [00:09:01] Speaker B: But at that point, because I look back at pictures of myself then and I'm like, who is that? Like, you know, when you look. [00:09:08] Speaker A: I do that all the time. [00:09:09] Speaker B: Yeah. You know, and you're like, even my hair, like, wasn't me. Like mine. I had nails on. It's not me. Like, everything wasn't me. And I had no jewelry in because you're not allowed and that's not me. And do you know, like, everything that you're like, oh, just. I look back and I'll bless her. Like, I really wish that, like, everything was just gentler for me, but it wasn't, so that's fine. Like, we let live and learn and things go on. But, yeah, it was six weeks training for British Airways and it was intense. Not physically intense. It was just a lot to learn that you're learning so much every day. [00:09:43] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:09:44] Speaker B: So I was driving up there every day and then sort of just like sitting, sitting and listening and everything and. But I think it was that, like, I had this point where the opportunity came to me again. Because I hadn't just, like, applied for British Airways and started my training, like, that recruitment had started before hospital. Yeah. So I was meant to start in, like. Which is, like, the whole thing is crazy because, you know when you're, like, all the timings of life and, like. But, yeah, I was meant to start that, like, a year before I went into hospital. And then, like, the recruitment for British Airways is notoriously so long. They do, like, employment history and everything. So I didn't start. And then when I came out, I think it was there, like, I have to try this now. Like, I've. I didn't. If I'd have died and didn't do it, you know, that. That sense. Yeah, I. Oh, my. [00:10:37] Speaker A: Did you feel like. Did you feel like perhaps you didn't actually want to do it, but you felt like you had to do. [00:10:45] Speaker B: Yeah, I think so. Training. I was not, like, there were some people. Our group was tiny, but there were some people that were like, this is my dream. [00:10:54] Speaker A: Yeah, live freezing. [00:10:56] Speaker B: Like, this is, like, everything I've ever wanted and I was like, yeah, doing it, because, like, I almost owe myself the chance to try. So, yeah, I've done it. And, like, when I was doing it, I just felt like this. You know, when you just do something and you're like, this doesn't feel like I'm being true to myself. Yeah, that's what it felt like. But, like, you said, the trot, the fact that, like, I did it, at least I've done it, and I can say that I didn't. I didn't like it. [00:11:24] Speaker A: Yeah, exactly. [00:11:25] Speaker B: It's that, like, weird. Like, a lot of people will be like, you went back to work really quickly, right. And people will be like, what are you. Why did you get back to work so quick? But you're. In our minds, we know we're craving. [00:11:36] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:11:36] Speaker B: Like, we need our lives back and we need to feel some kind of normality. [00:11:40] Speaker A: Yeah. Because I went. I'm trying to think. I went into hospital. I came out of hospital, I think, at the beginning of the half term week. So a week. And then I went to work on the Monday, so I had a week after coming out of hospital and then I went to work. [00:11:58] Speaker B: But were you. What was your rationale there? Like, what were you thinking? [00:12:03] Speaker A: Part of me was like, the quicker I get back, the quicker I get better. But also, for me, even, like, before being unwell, before anything, I've never been a sit at. Like, I've never really enjoyed just doing nothing. I've always had to fill my day. Like, it's just my personality. Like, my boyfriend always be like, oh, for God. Like, just chill out a bit. Like, just take a rest there. And I'm like, I can't. I have to do this, this, this and this. You know, some things never change. But I also was so desperate to get back just for that sense of, like, structure in my day. But also because when I'm teaching, obviously, I'm working with the kids. Like, kids just bring something. Yeah, they just bring something that no one else can. Like, this complete innocence. And if anything, you know, the questions that they asked me, they're so blunt because they don't know how to, like, you know, they learned that thing of, like, tiptoeing around anything, and they'll be like, so, did you almost die? And I was like, yeah. And, like, just saying that felt so much more normal. [00:13:18] Speaker B: Yeah. And then they're just. Yeah. [00:13:20] Speaker A: And they're like, okay, let's carry on with the lesson. And I'm like, all right, let's carry on. And it was really nice. [00:13:26] Speaker B: I remember life, don't they? [00:13:28] Speaker A: Yeah. And I remember my best friend, and she's also my boss. She sent me a video when I was in hospital of the kids that I teach, and they sent me a video, and it was like, get well soon, taz. And literally, I remember I still got it saved on my phone, and it's honestly one of my favorite videos ever. Because you, like, I don't know. Kids just have this love, like, this pure and innocent love that you can't replicate anywhere else. And, you know, they. Without knowing, obviously, they don't know. Like, it was news to them for one week, and then the next week, they were like, so you. Like, there was this one girl I remember, and every week she'd be like, are you better yet? Are you better yet? Like, it was just so nonchalant to them, and it was just refreshing to go into work and be like, all they care about is what they've done at school that day and what they're having after this dance class. Like, and it was just nice to not go somewhere and then be like, oh, so what happened? And, like. And just feel like I was being babied. I was able to be the adult because I felt like I babied for, like, the last month, so it was nice. [00:14:32] Speaker B: Yeah. And I think that, like, saying that about, like, they just want to. They come to their class, they go home, dinner's done for them, and then they go to bed. Yeah, I think that it's difficult as well when you've got, like, friends and your support system. Like, I don't know, we have both, like, different stories in regards to that. [00:14:50] Speaker A: But, I mean, I think I feel like we can dive into that in, like, obviously, as much as we want to, but, yeah, I feel like this, that is an important part of this episode because recovery obviously looks different on everyone anyway, but depending on who you've got around you, it massively changes the trajectory of your recovery because, you know, I'm very lucky in the sense that, and I talk openly about it, that I have the best support system ever. My family are absolutely incredible. I had an amazing team of, like, medical professionals, consultants, physios, my, like, I call them my family. But my friend, like, my close friends were absolutely incredible through the whole thing. And I don't know if I would have recovered as quickly or whether I would have been able to navigate my way through without that. And they were a massive reason as to why where I am now. I think that if I was. If I would have been by myself or with less support, I don't think I. I probably would have just been like, oh, I can't be. I'm not gonna dance again. They've told me I'm not gonna dance again, so I'm not gonna dance again. [00:16:07] Speaker B: Yeah, you had that like it was in me. [00:16:12] Speaker A: But, you know when you've got people around you, like, you're doing lifelong. [00:16:16] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, 100%. And, yeah, I think that, like you said, the difference in how quickly you can recover is so different when you've got, like, a really strong support system. [00:16:32] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:16:33] Speaker B: And I just think it's like, the whole thing of, like, everyone's moving on. I struggled a lot with not thinking that. Why isn't everyone talking about me all the time? Why is center of every single conversation? But, like, I remember coming out of hospital, then it was like, okay, it was the 20 December, so five days till Christmas. And then I went to my partner's family's on boxing Day. Really wish I'd have just said, like, I'm not in the mood for that. But again, I think you think that you want to be surrounded by people. Yeah. [00:17:02] Speaker A: And you want to be as normal as possible. So that's just what. [00:17:05] Speaker B: Yeah, and it's Christmas, and you just think, I just want it to be normal. Like it should have been, but went round their house and it was crazy that, like, and I get that it's everyone else's Christmas, but everyone was just, like, acting like I wasn't there. [00:17:22] Speaker A: And I was like, yeah, that's so weird. [00:17:25] Speaker B: Like, you know, you're just like, what? Like, what? And I get that it's all your christmases and everything, but how. If what? I was like, how are you all acting like that hasn't just happened to me? [00:17:36] Speaker A: I think that some people's trauma, like, because, you know, it's a different type of trauma, but the people that have been around you, quote unquote, you know, in different levels, some people's response or something like that is, well, if we just don't talk about it, then it didn't happen. [00:17:55] Speaker B: Do you think? [00:17:56] Speaker A: Ah, for sure. [00:17:57] Speaker B: Like, I don't know. I think it's. I think I've learned that a lot of people that sounded awful are quite not selfish, but a lot of people just. They're focusing on their lives, and they've got things going on in their days and. [00:18:13] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:18:13] Speaker B: And 100% understand. Like, I am not. I am not sitting here saying I should be the center of your day, but I always feel like, where's that space for somebody who has just been through something like that to just be like, right, okay. We can put that to the side for a bit. [00:18:29] Speaker A: Yeah. I guess your timing was. It was a tricky time as well. Because it's Christmas. Because it's Christmas. It's so family orientated and busy. Like, Christmas is busy. [00:18:42] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:18:43] Speaker A: I guess that makes it harder, because obviously, like, when I. When I came out of hospital, it was kind of like my parents had taken time off work, and then. Cause they'd taken so much time off work when I got home, they were like, obviously, they were so supportive, but they had to go back to work, and it kind of settled back in a little bit more, and it allowed me to have my own space just to process. I don't know if I actually processed. [00:19:07] Speaker B: It, but I know. Right. I think that maybe we'll dive into support systems a bit more in a different episode. But, like, I don't speak to my parents, so that was difficult. And I just feel like, even with my friends, like, it's been such a weird journey, like, of where are you? [00:19:27] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:19:28] Speaker B: And I feel a little bit like, oh, is anyone gonna listen? Which I probably not, to be honest, but I feel like, is anyone gonna hear and be like, well, we tried. And I feel like. Like, really like you. You didn't try, really, in the way that someone, you know, in a way of a friend, of how you think you'd give the love to someone that has just been through something like that. So it's like, one of those things where, like, I'm really proud of myself that I've, like, navigated this alone, essentially, with, like, obviously my partner callum and my twin sister Beth. Like, they've done a lot for me, but, like, essentially this whole recovery has been down to me. [00:20:07] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:20:08] Speaker B: And I've done pretty much the work alone because I didn't have, like, even your mum or dad who you think they're gonna be, like, the two people in your whole life that should, like, be absolutely doting on you the whole time. Yeah, I just didn't have that. So I think that that's difficult as well because you are thinking, like, wait a second. Like, this is just if. And I always think, like, if this has happened and you've nothing shown the love and care that you should have. God, you're not gonna happen, is there? And, like, just some of the comments that, like, were made by some of my family, I'm just like, oh, my God, you're so, like, it's just so. I don't know what the word is. I can't think of the word. [00:20:50] Speaker A: Yeah, you should know how strong you are to be able to, because not only were you recovering, but also, like, everyone knows how it feels when, like, I know it's not a fallout, but, you know, if you have a fallout with your friends, if you have a fallout with your family, how much that weighs on your mind. You had that constantly because the constant reminder was that they weren't there to support you. And also you're trying to navigate your recovery and be, like, try and jump back into normal life, like, so hard mate. Like, you've done so well. [00:21:23] Speaker B: Oh, thank you. It's just one of them things, isn't it? Like, you just get on and. Yeah, it is. Like, I do try to, like, shift my perspective in thinking. I change. Like, oh, no one's there for me. And I'm all alone, too. Like, I've learned so much and alone and I have, like, navigated this really hard road, essentially, like, alone and just the things that you learn and hopefully that's taught me a lot of kindness and compassion toward. For other people as well. And I just try to give that back where I can, you know? [00:21:56] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, definitely. [00:21:58] Speaker B: It is so weird. Like, when you've been through something like that and you're, like, you said, like, you're just sat there thinking, oh, everyone's, like, getting on and I'm just here. [00:22:09] Speaker A: I honestly can't even explain the feeling and the amount of times that I've spoken about it to people, and it's not. It's not a woe me, because I think that hopefully you guys, from hearing this podcast can understand that me and Olivia aren't those kind of people to be like, oh, my goodness. Yeah, we've been through this horrible thing, and everyone should, like, stop what they're doing and look at us and feel so bad and, like, we're not kind of people. But I don't know. It just. I don't. I don't know whether it's our personality types as well because we're go getters. I know that's so cringey, but, like, that's the only word to describe it. And it's not like you don't want to do. You don't want to jump back into life. You don't want to do this. You physically can't. [00:23:01] Speaker B: Yeah. Because it's the whole thing. [00:23:04] Speaker A: Impossible. It would be impossible for anyone that's gone through that kind of trauma to just slot back in and. Yeah, I know that. I guess I should bring this into the episode as well, that me and leave a talk a lot about the fact that both of us are much better now, but in early recovery, and, you know, I say earlier, but recovery in general, this. We both had this constant feeling of, like, we could not shake thinking about what had happened. It was constant. And I don't know how to explain it to other people, but I think maybe if anyone that's listening has got ADHD and that constant voice in your head that you have, and it never really stops unless you're talking to someone, even then, it doesn't really stop. It's like that. But all that voice is doing is constantly rehashing what's happened that makes it so hard to move on and grow and recover because, you know, you're talking to someone about, I don't know what your plans are for dinner, but at the same time you're thinking, oh, my God, remember when this thing happened and I almost. [00:24:21] Speaker B: Oh, my God. Yes. [00:24:22] Speaker A: It's the strangest feeling because you almost feel like you're going mental out of your mind because you're like, why can I not just stop thinking about this for a second? It's so traumatic. And all I'm doing is putting myself through this pain again and again and again because technically, it's me. It's me that's doing this. No one else is talking to me. [00:24:42] Speaker B: No one else is bringing it. Yeah, no worded that so well, like. [00:24:46] Speaker A: It'S in my head. [00:24:48] Speaker B: Hit the nail on the head with that. Because even, like, I know. I don't know how you feel now, but, like, I'm not joking you. I'm better. But it is the only thing I think about 24 hours of the day, every single minute of the day. [00:25:02] Speaker A: And it's so hard. [00:25:04] Speaker B: And like you said, though, but it's like, no one's making you. [00:25:07] Speaker A: No one's like, why are you putting yourself through this? [00:25:10] Speaker B: Yeah. And then, like, remember I said to you a while back when we were like, oh, louise, the message, taz, how are you doing today? And she, oh, my hip hurts. And I'm like, yep, same. And we're always like, the hard part for me is that with the physical aspect of, like, our hips being damaged and everything, because I was told that's not gonna get better. You'll just learn to live with it, and you'll, like, navigate the pain and know what you need when it flares up and everything, which is great. But I think that you are always reminded with the pain. I'm always like, this pain is, like, the physical pain is the hardest part for me because I'm like, this is just a constant reminder that this is always going to be with me. And because the mental thing, you can sort of, like, you have good days and bad days, right? Some days you're like, oh, my God. It's the most horrific thing I can't think about. I'm so traumatized. And then. But on a good day, you'll be like, I can't believe I survived that. And I feel invincible, basically. But with the physical pain, because it's so painful. You're like, I have to live with this. [00:26:17] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:26:17] Speaker B: For the rest of my life. And constantly reminded of everything that awful that happened to your body. Because I think that's the whole pain thing, isn't it? Like, with all of the needles stuck in your arms and all of the things that your body went through and all the interventions, it's that whole, like, in your body. You can feel it. I do anyway. I'm like, I can feel f. That one bit of pain in my hip, like, floods back so many awful memories and triggers for me. [00:26:47] Speaker A: And, sorry, you guys can't see this, but Olivia's where we're like, why is Taz looking down? I'm trying to google. So it says a person may experience both chronic pain and PTSD. The person in pain may not even realize the connection between their pain and a traumatic event. Approximately 15% to 35% of patients with chronic pain also have PTSD. So, basically, I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is. Scientifically, it's known that there's a strong link between physical pain and trauma. And I think a physical reminder is always the quickest way to link. Like, if I'm having a flare up with my hip and my shoulder, it'll often be a day where I think about what's happened more because I'm having a constant reminder. Physically. [00:27:42] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:27:42] Speaker A: Then caught. You know what I mean? And I think that, yeah, that's why maybe, perhaps why we felt like this. I don't know. I guess all I'm trying to do is problem solve. [00:27:52] Speaker B: But, yeah, rationalize it. [00:27:54] Speaker A: It is really interesting that, you know, perhaps if when we came out of hospital, the pain kind of subsided straight away and we never felt it again, maybe we might have found it easier. I don't know. [00:28:08] Speaker B: Yeah, it's that what if? Isn't it? And I always just think, because there's no. I've really struggled with the note, there's no answers to the pain. Like. Like, for someone to just be, like, at such a young age, or you're just going to live with that forever now, and you just to be like, okay, so that's that, then. And, like, how am I gonna essentially make this better for myself so that I'm not in chronic pain by the time I'm like, 50, 60. Yeah, it's difficult because you're like, what do you mean? Like, oh, yeah, you're just gonna be in pain forever. And how's that an answer to something? Like, I. In my mind for a long time, I was quite. That's not very fair. [00:28:45] Speaker A: Yeah, it's a weird one. I remember getting different answers from different people. Like, some doctors would say to me that, you know, there's no reason why this shouldn't. The pain shouldn't go away, but the damage is obviously irreversible. Like, it's just. Is what it is. And, you know, lots. For me, basically, the biggest cause of my pain was inflammation. And it's the same as when you have any infection. The more inflamed the joint is, the more painful it is. It's. It's like arthritis, right? It's literally what it is. And, you know, you name it, I did it. Ice baths, anti inflammatory diet, took all the supplements. I tried everything. When I say I was desperate at one point, like, I was desperate to get rid of this pain, but you get to a point where, you know, now when I say to people, oh, my hip is really hurting today. And they're like, oh, well, just take a rest day. And I'm like, no, because if I did that every time I was in pain, I would sit in bed for every day of my life. Yeah. And it just becomes part of your life. Yes. It's annoying, but at the same time, not gonna roll over like a dog and just let my stomach be scratched like I had just. You just have to get on with it. [00:30:05] Speaker B: You do get on with it. And I think that that's, like, a big resilience thing. And you're like, I've got. I've come this far. I'm not gonna let this tiny bit of pain. [00:30:12] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:30:14] Speaker B: Like, ruin how far I've come. [00:30:17] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:30:18] Speaker B: But that's just a testament to, like, who you are and, like, the way that you soldier on, which I hate that, because I'm like, you shouldn't just have to soldier on. But, like, how far you've come considering everything that's happened. [00:30:31] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:30:32] Speaker B: Don't you? [00:30:33] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think that you can't have victim mentality when you're recovering from something like this, because it will never allow you the space to heal and grow, and it will. It's such a heavy characteristic to have this victim complex. If you let that engulf you, there's no space for anything else in your life. [00:30:55] Speaker B: Yeah, you're right. [00:30:57] Speaker A: And obviously, there's days where you're allowed to be like, this is not fair, and why did this happen to me? Like, that's completely normal. If you didn't have that in your recovery, then I'd be concerned, because that's kind of weird. Like, you have to have those days because it's. If you. If you're not having those days, you're not being honest to yourself. [00:31:18] Speaker B: Yeah. You're not. [00:31:19] Speaker A: It's a natural feeling. [00:31:21] Speaker B: 100%. And I would just like to say, like, I know we've had messages from people at the earliest stage of their recovery who have said that they, like, really are resonating with everything we're saying. And I would just like to say to those people, without sounding really cringy and cliche, they're like, there is light at the end of the tunnel. And how you're feeling now is not going to. Because I remember feeling like, I just wish that, like, things were over for me, which is pretty awful. [00:31:48] Speaker A: No, me too. [00:31:50] Speaker B: But I just remember thinking, like, so I remember these feelings so clearly. I'd be like, how was. How was my life saved? And I'm living in this amount of misery, but how cruel for my life to have been saved, for me to be in this amount of pain, in every aspect of pain, physical, mental, like, every emotional pain. Like. And I would be like, that's so cruel to, like, have kept me alive just to let me go through all of this. So not only have I suffered for the last 20 days in intensive care, I now have to suffer for the rest of my life with this emotional burden that I've got. [00:32:24] Speaker A: Yeah, but I actually remember where I was when I was voice noting you this. And I was like, if this is what my life is like, I don't want her. [00:32:34] Speaker B: But, like, look at us now, and. [00:32:36] Speaker A: Exactly. And, you know, it's said all the time, but the feeling that you're feeling is temporary, and that's not. I think it's often misunderstood that when you get told that temporary doesn't mean quick, that does not. That's not what temporary means. It means that it will go away at some point, and you just have to be patient. As frustrating as it is me, we know it's frustrating. You just have to ride the wave. You just have to ride the wave and allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself, but also pick yourself back up, and you owe that to yourself. You've been so strong through this whole trauma, traumatic event that you've been through. It would be such a shame now to give up on yourself at the last hurdle. [00:33:26] Speaker B: Yeah. And I think that, like, on the back of that, you think that, like, that's not us saying that you're gonna. It's gonna go away and you're gonna forget it forever, but it's that you'll learn to live with it in a way that doesn't. It's not detrimental to your life that you're feeling like you don't want to be here. Like, the amount of things I've tried and done in the last year that I was, like, before, I'd have been like, no way am I doing that. No way would I have the confidence. But you just don't care, do you? Like, even, like, me and Callum were talking about my, like, little TikTok channel yesterday, and he was like, remember when you put, like, the first video that I made, and I was like, I sat there for it in my drafts and months. [00:34:05] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:34:06] Speaker B: I don't have to post it because it's so embarrassing. Who's embarrassing to. Yeah, literally, because I'm not embarrassed. [00:34:12] Speaker A: No. If you're embarrassed, that's your problem. [00:34:15] Speaker B: But, like, I'm not embarrassed now. [00:34:16] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:34:17] Speaker B: Like, I think that's just growth from perspective change and being like, no one cares. And if people do care, then they're really mean because it's not a thing. Like, no one's cringing over that. Like, if I see, like, no one cares and people who do care are just miserable people who are always going to be like that. [00:34:33] Speaker A: And I remember I seen recently someone saying that, you know, in terms of caring what other people think. I have never in my life gone back through my day and thought about, you know, if I, if I've seen someone that maybe I wouldn't have worn what they're wearing. Like, I've never looked at someone and been like, or thought later in the day, do you remember that person that, like, if, if you don't do that, no one else is doing that. The only person that is, like, overthinking is you. [00:35:07] Speaker B: Like, have you. And I always think this, like, whenever I'm, like, know if to do that, I'll post that. And especially at the beginning, I was, I don't have to post that. It's quite cringy. I'm like, I've never, ever watched a TikTok of anyone or video of anyone and being like, oh, that's cringy. [00:35:22] Speaker A: Never. [00:35:23] Speaker B: Because no one who does that, I don't care. But I think that's just that, like, overcoming and being, like, actually. And I do think, like, how lovely is it now? Like, at our stages of recovery where we're not saying everything's really, really easy, but I feel a lot freer. Like, I'm just like, yeah. And, like, little things that used to really bother me before, like, I'd let work get under my skin, and now I'm just like, bye. Yeah, doesn't matter. Like, it does not matter. Like, we're tiny people. Like, perspective. [00:35:57] Speaker A: Perspective is the best thing. Yeah. [00:36:00] Speaker B: Yeah. So basically, what we're trying to say to the people that are listening may be very fresh in their recovery, that are feeling like, what was the point of all of this? Like, you will get there. Like, just do things that make you feel like you. And we're not saying, go and cut your hair and do everything. Don't make any big life decisions. [00:36:18] Speaker A: Don't cut your hair now, Jake. Don't cut your hair. We are telling you that. No jokes. We're not. [00:36:25] Speaker B: We're just saying don't do any. Don't, like, be scared to do things, but also just don't make, like, massive, drastic life changes. [00:36:35] Speaker A: Yeah, don't rush anything, but, like, don't. [00:36:37] Speaker B: Be scared to, like, just, like, try and find you. Like, for me, like, I know Taz dancers and everything, and I went to the gym. I don't gym as much now. I find it quite triggering for me to talk about the gym and everything because of the way that my body has changed. But, like, for me, mine was painting and going back to being creative. Anything that's, like, a creative outlook for me helped me so much. And before I was so caught up in work and so caught up in life and being miserable that I was just like, I'm never. I'm not gonna do that. But now I've made the space for. Oh, God, sorry. I'll say it again. I've made the space for being creative and doing things that I enjoy. And even if. Even if I've made something and then chucked it away, because that's rubbish, it was that. It's that. It's the doing. It's not the outcome, it's the doing. And I found creativity really helps, and that's also a thing. Right. I don't know, like, the scientific background about it, but you know that, like, people say about that, like, being creative really helps your healing and your trauma and your mind. [00:37:38] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:37:40] Speaker B: Because, like, you've got dancing. I'm so happy that you have that and you're amazing, but, you know, like, that little thing that you've got, that's something like an outlet. [00:37:48] Speaker A: Yeah. I think that anything creative releases a different kind of endorphin to anything else. That's like being creative to me. And I know that because I'm a creative person, I find it easy to tap into that. But the thing with, like you said, any creative project, dancing, painting, like, anything that you do, is that it's not that. And I think it's the only thing that you can do that has got no pressure behind it whatsoever. If it goes wrong, who cares? But you've allowed yourself the space and you've given yourself the time to do something that you want to do. And that, I think, for me, is the most important. One of the most important things within recovery is that you don't. You know, you might feel like you've lost who you are, but it doesn't mean that you still can't allow space for who you are right now to just flourish and just see where it goes. Like, because there's characteristics that I have now as a person and who I am, that without going through all of this, I wouldn't have. And I'm not saying that everyone needs to go through a traumatic event to find themselves, because I would never wish that upon my worst enemy. But there are definitely, you know, without being ill, I wouldn't have met some of the people I've met. Like, I've got. I'm so happy. I've got an amazing boyfriend who I wouldn't have met if I had, you know, like, it's all these things that. [00:39:26] Speaker B: Now I completely agree with you. [00:39:27] Speaker A: It leads you to this place in your life that might not have been where you thought you were meant to be, but every, like, everything happens for a reason. It's so true. It's like my favorite thing to say because. [00:39:42] Speaker B: Yeah, it does. And I think that, like, you'll know. And it's really hard because I know we keep saying, and for people that aren't in recovery or gone through anything traumatic, which we hope we have all, everyone listen to our chats and conversations, but I don't want anyone who hasn't gone through that to think that you can't find that as well because, oh, I've not been through this, so I'm not going to find this amazing version of myself never knew existed. [00:40:03] Speaker A: Exactly. [00:40:04] Speaker B: You do find this version of you. Like you said, like, maybe we could, like, talk about this in another episode of, like, who we were then and who we are now. Because I know that I'm better person now than I was two years ago. Like, I look at me two years ago and I then had no sense of direction. What am I doing with my life? I felt quite miserable. I think I was probably looking back quite miserable to be around because all I was focused on was going to the gym. That's all I cared about in my day was, am I going to be able to go to the gym? Not really healthy. Think about it. But now I've learned patience, compassion, kindness, you know, like, things that I've had to learn because I had to be patient because I couldn't get out of bed and I couldn't go out on my own. So you learn. Yes. And like you said, like, all of the things that you've done to lead you now, like, wouldn't of happened had you not have gone through that, which it's. You have to, like, believe in something, don't you? Like, yeah. [00:41:00] Speaker A: If you don't, like, insane. Yeah. And. Yeah. I don't know. I think it's so interesting, I guess that I don't know how to explain it in the sense of. I just feel like now and, you know, it's all this thing we're talking about, hindsight, but I wish if I had, like, one wish that I could go back to that version of me when I just, like, come out of hospital and, you know, you get told by everyone that it's gonna be fine, but to actually hear it. And that's why we do this podcast. Right. Like, to hear it from people that have been through it and to say that, and we're not gonna kid you, it's not gonna be easy, and it's gonna be hard, and there's gonna be moments that, you know, you feel like you can't do it, but that there is space for you to flourish into something that you want to be. [00:42:00] Speaker B: Yeah. And you will find yourself, and if not yourself, that you remember a better version of yourself. [00:42:09] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think that's the thing that you don't have. You don't have to be striving to be the person you were before you became unwell, because that's not going to happen. You can't go through something like what you've been through and be the person you were before you've experienced all that, because also, that wouldn't be a testament to all the hard work that you've put in. [00:42:31] Speaker B: Yeah, you can't. We've said this before, haven't we? Like, you can't go through something like that and be the same person. [00:42:36] Speaker A: No, you. Yeah. And to be honest, it's not a. [00:42:41] Speaker B: Good, like, but I think it's exciting. [00:42:43] Speaker A: Yeah. You find. You find parts of yourself that you might have never found if you hadn't have gone through something like this. [00:42:51] Speaker B: Yeah. And I just think that even in yourself, like, it's such a lovely feeling to think, like, oh, I'm actually quite happy with myself. Like, I'm actually quite. I'm quite comfortable with me. [00:43:02] Speaker A: Like, feeling. The feeling of happiness is so underrated. Like, that sounds like such a stupid thing to say. No, I. Like, I remember the first time I was like, do you know what? I feel happy. And that, to me, like, before getting ill, you know, I would take that for granted. So much. So, like, you know, we've said this a million times before, I'm a very positive person. But that feeling of just being content and happy where you are, literally nothing beats it. [00:43:38] Speaker B: No. And not feeling, like, because I. Before, like, I always think I was quite positive, but I had a lot of, like, I was quite hard on myself about things, like, thinking I should be in somewhere I'm not. And then I think that, like, you start just thinking, I'm quite happy here. Like, I'm quite happy. But then I think that, like, this is a whole other can of worms. But I think that you just think quite like my quiet little life where, like, there's not loads going on, it's not drama and everything, and, like, oh, and doing this and that, but you're just like, so today I get to wash my hair, change the bed. [00:44:13] Speaker A: I know. Yeah. [00:44:14] Speaker B: It's like, it's the little things that just. You think, oh, do you know what? This actually makes me really happy. Rather than thinking, oh, I need to go and buy this, and I really want to go and get this bag, and this is going to make me really happy. Like, it's the little things, isn't it? Yeah. [00:44:26] Speaker A: I. I always say that I have gratitude for the big things, the little things and everything in between, because it's so true that you can't live your life. And, you know, gratitude and happiness, they're within the same realm. And I, you know, I want to speak about gratitude in more depth at another point because it's a very touchy subject when you're going through recovery. [00:44:49] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:44:51] Speaker A: Allowing yourself to find happiness in not just these big moments which before bought you such euphoria, but now, you know, going for a walk with your family, getting fresh air. Like, all these things that before, I probably had just been like, oh, yeah, well, it's great. It's great. But, I mean, boring. But now I really allow myself the space to just take it in for an extra second as what I would have before. And it makes me such a happier person. For sure. [00:45:29] Speaker B: It does, right? You're not, like. You're, like, just comfortable and you just let things come and you let things go. [00:45:35] Speaker A: Yeah. I was walking in London yesterday to class, and I was listening to Noah Khan because, guys, I'm transformed into a country music listener, which talk about another day, but honestly, I never thought that would be me. But I was listening to Noah Khan, and I was walking down the street in, like, gloomy London. Yesterday was gloomy as hell in London. And I was like, I am just so grateful that I'm able to walk down this street and go. And I was like, oh, this is the best way to live. Like, you don't need to win the lottery. You don't need big things when you find happiness in the tiniest moments. [00:46:12] Speaker B: Yeah, I love that you said that because, like, last week, I think I went to. What did I do last week? I literally had a day where I was at home for a couple of hours in the morning, and then I, like, potter around the flat. And then I went and got a coffee and I came home, made dinner, and I was laying in bed with Callum and I was like, I had the best day. [00:46:28] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:46:28] Speaker B: Like, and. But I think Callum's like, you're right. I literally could not have had a better day today. Like, everything's been, like, so good today. [00:46:38] Speaker A: Yeah. It's so nice. And I remember that we both, at one point, would never have imagined we'd get to this point now. [00:46:45] Speaker B: Absolutely not. [00:46:46] Speaker A: Like, we were like, this is so bad. Like, where's the happiness in my life? [00:46:51] Speaker B: Yeah. And when I say, like, I was miserable, like, I was so miserable, and now I'm just like, yeah, I know, great day doing nothing. [00:47:02] Speaker A: Yeah. And, I mean, we could go around in circles and say this forever, but I guess I like, kind of wrapping up for everyone in the fact of this episode isn't just like all our episodes, but especially this one. It's not just for people that have been through recovery, but I guess you can link it to any trauma in your life or anything in your life, but, yeah. [00:47:30] Speaker B: Any hard times. [00:47:31] Speaker A: Yeah. In the fact that there is no rush for anything in your life and what's meant for you will find you. [00:47:41] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:47:41] Speaker A: And I just think there's this beauty in not rushing anything. [00:47:49] Speaker B: Yeah. 100%. [00:47:53] Speaker A: Life goes so quick, you know, at the beginning of this episode, we were like, this week has gone so quick. There's enough life rushes itself as it is. If you jump on the train and just let yourself go through this, like, fast paced style of life, it's not going to serve you in the way that you want it to. You think you should jump on the bandwagon and always be doing this and always be doing that. But sometimes there's such beauty in the stillness. The stillness and the reflection and all of this stuff, I guess. And again, as we do in every episode, we're sending all the love to everyone, especially if you're going through a more tricky time right now. We hope that we can be a safe space for you and to know that there's light on the other side. It's coming. [00:48:53] Speaker B: 100%. And my quote of the week. Yes. [00:48:57] Speaker A: I love this part. I always forget it's coming. Okay, go. [00:49:00] Speaker B: Very short one. But I feel like it resonates so well with this episode, is this year I met the most broken version of me, but also the strongest. [00:49:10] Speaker A: Yeah. Amen to that. [00:49:13] Speaker B: Yeah. And thank you all so much for listening to artsy, appionous. [00:49:17] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. [00:49:18] Speaker B: As we always say, we always hope that these episodes just bring a little bit of comfort. And we're just people that you can listen to to resonate your feelings with, if that makes sense. You're alone in your feelings. [00:49:33] Speaker A: You are never alone. And we don't say this enough, but we. Olivia and I have both got access to our Instagram page, so if anyone's listening to this wants just to rant, rave, just talk to someone. Our DM's are always open. We might take a while to reply because we're both pretty absent on social media. Yeah, but we'll always reply 100%. And, you know, it's nice to have that conversation sometimes and open the floor and speak to someone different. And so we're always here. We're like your two big sisters. Always here. [00:50:12] Speaker B: We're always here for you. Thank you so much for listening. [00:50:15] Speaker A: And we will catch you next week. [00:50:18] Speaker B: Yeah, thank you so much. [00:50:20] Speaker A: See you later. [00:50:21] Speaker B: Bye.